bornsnarky | for smartass

Oh. I....

[Jim should know better. He doesn't do love, remember? And sure as fuck people don't love him. He blinks. Looks down at himself.]

I knew that.

[His voice has gone quiet.]

[McCoy stares at him for a long moment, then abruptly turns and puts away the hypo, puts away the medkit. He has clutter around the place, sure, but there are some things, some tidinesses, that are ingrained. Too many years of needing to know exactly where his equipment is.]

[Then he takes a step, and rests one hand on the back of the couch, not far from Jim. He swallows, and runs his free hand through his hair.]

I mean, not that I........

[Yes, good one, there, McCoy. Totally fixes the situation. Very eloquent. Helpful.]

Pfft. What? It's fine, Bones. You'd have Rio be crazy to be.

[Jim is very good at that fake 'it's fine haha' smile.]

[McCoy drops to one knee and thunks his head against the back of the couch.]

[Thunk.]

[Thunk.]

[Thunk.]

That's not what I mean!

[Thunk.]

[...shit, does he love Jim? In THAT way?]

[Thunk.]

The fuck is your problem? I said it was fine.

[Jim twists around so he can see Bones. He's pretty close now that Bones is kneeling down.]

Besides, even if you're hypothetically insane, it'd be your Jim anyway. So don't worry about it, Jesus.

[Oh, for fuck's sake-]

[McCoy looks up at him, meets his gaze. His own eyes are wild.]

You ARE my Jim, you idiot.

And I think I........

........................probably do love you. And I don't know what the hell to do about it!

The hell I am! You didn't know about the shuttle, that I was missing. You said I'm on-planet! Hrs your Jim, not...n-not. Not me.

[This doesn't happen. No one loves Jim Kirk. They think they do. Until they know better. McCoy should know better.]

It's..it's fine. Bones. He's a lucky guy. I'm happy for you.

[McCoy just gapes at him, then reaches out to poke him right between those two perfect eyebrows.]

You are my Jim, you jackass! Fuck! I don't know the quantum theory or any of that bullshit, I'm not Spock, but I know you, I know you're my Jim, even if you've been missing for weeks - months? - in your timeline. The you who's on the planet right now, he's you too and probably if you met you two would do some really fucking gross thing like dissolving into each other and becoming the same person!

[Fuck, he's only just realised that he's in - in love with his best friend - why can't this be easier?!]

Why the hell would you want me?! There's Chapel, fuck you could have anyone. Carol...

[Bones had been married before. He's not into dudes. Jim found that out at the academy on a drunken flirty accidentally advances.]

[He's shaking. One hand reaches out to stroke McCoy's hair.]

Bones. It's okay. I'll pretend you didn't say it okay? It never happened. I don't want to see you upset like this.

Edited 2015-09-05 20:41 (UTC)

[McCoy shakes his head all the way through that. He cares about Chris, likes Carol well enough but doesn't know her. No one's... no one's like Jim.]

[Fuck.]

[Fuck, that's true, isn't it. There's no one like Jim.]

[...that hand through his hair feels entirely too good.]

[Hoarsely] No, no, Jim, you don't get it.

When you hit on me back at the academy. You were drunk and I was still mired deep in self-hating divorced asshole mode. Where I still spend a lot of time! But I didn't say no to you because I could never be interested. I said no because you were drunk and I was a pile of shit.

...I'm still a pile of shit, and it's okay if you're not interested! I have more fucking baggage than anyone, some stuff I still haven't told YOU about, and I'd be the worst boyfriend in the history of the universe!

[......and now he's starting to smile, a wry, confused, but HAPPY smile, because he's coming to terms with this]

But I'm in love with my best friend, and I'm not going to deny it.

Edited 2015-09-05 20:48 (UTC)

You're the one who doesn't get it!

[Jim's on his feet now, hands in his own hair fisting tight.]

Why are we here right now? I'm a fuck up who can't keep his shit in order, I don't sleep, I'm shit at relationships, and I can't--

[Didn't He want this a moment ago? His wants don't matter. He can't let Bones do this to himself.]

When I inevitably fuck it up, I'll lose you too. I-i I can't do that. I can't lose you, too.

Edited 2015-09-05 20:54 (UTC)

[McCoy gets to his feet, groaning a little as his lower back twinges. Too many hours in surgery today.]

[He's at peace with part of this, now, and that's a huge step for him. He never thought he could care about anyone else like this. Not after Jocelyn. Not after how spectacularly things went wrong there.]

You're shit at relationships? The last person I dated, she divorced me, took ninety-five percent of everything I own, and barely speaks to me! Jesus, Jim, I'm not asking you for anything, just...

Just don't look like that.

[He's in front of Jim now, without remembering passing through the intervening space. He grabs Jim's wrists, and tugs gently, trying to get him to bring his hands down.]

[Calmly, but with intensity in his voice.] No one's losing anyone.

At least you had a relationship to lose! I can't even date!

[Why is this a competition suddenly over who is worse and unworthy. He had to make Bones understand. Because....Because-]

Don't even act like you don't know I've been interested in you for years. My interest doesn't matter here. Yours does.

[Oh, for-]

Because you pick up people in bars, you idiot! If you actually took the time to meet someone and spend time with 'em, and THEN make your move, maybe things'd work out better for you!

[......and yes, that would be a double take, because McCoy has just realised he's talking about himself.]

[...]

[...]

[...]

[and another]

Mine may matter, but - wait, what, you were interested in me for years?

I've told you I loved you in front of the damn crew before! You've known this!

[And he had. 'You open that warhead and I'll love you forever Bones.' 'You did it you son of a bitch you saved them god I love you!']

[No one assumed he'd meant it but he had every time.]

Besides, as you've so eloquently put it before, I'm interested in anything with a pulse, remember? So yeah. My interest counts for nothing. Yours does, and I won't let you waste it on someone like me.

Edited 2015-09-05 21:18 (UTC)

[McCoy lets go of Jim's wrists and takes a step back, staring at him, utterly confused, but then he starts to remember. What the hell.]

No one would've believed those times!

The hell are you on about, Jim? 'someone like me'? There's not a damn thing wrong with you that wouldn't be cured by eight hours sleep and my foot in your ass now and then, and I'll take on anyone who says otherwise!

So there are rules about telling about your feelings now too?! See?! This is what I'm talking about! I can't even do that right!

[Jim's shouting because he's freaking out but he's not pulling any punches.]

And I care about you too damn much too screw up anything else!

[He's picking up his clothes. This was a bad idea. Jim can't do this. He had to go and open this can if worms and now he can't even spend time with Bones without screwing everything up. He decided he'd never admit it really. That he'd get over it. And now--]

Edited 2015-09-05 21:38 (UTC)

When you're talking about someone like me who has no fucking clue about anything, then yes, being obvious helps!

[McCoy hates that look in Jim's eyes. The panic and self-hate. HATES it.]

No, wait, what are you-

Fuck!

[McCoy doesn't do this. He never does this. Even before Jocelyn, he was never comfortable enough with his feelings to grab someone and kiss them out of the blue.]

[But Jim's picking up his clothes like he's about to walk out of here, and McCoy knows that if he does, everything's shot, everything goes to hell. So he finds himself shoving Jim back into the nearest wall, shoving Jim's right wrist up above his head with McCoy's left hand, and...]

[...and kissing him]

[...and it's messy and rough]

[and awkward and teeth]

[and shit, Jim tastes amazing]

[and it's the most perfect kiss he's ever had in his life, even if Jim's probably about to haul off and hit him, and McCoy wouldn't blame him for that at all]

I'm not gonna--mmmph!

[Jim's back slams against the wall. His clothes flutter to the floor as his hand is shoved over his head.]

[Bones is there and pressed against Jim and it's every fantasy he's ever had and god Bones is kissing him.]

[Dear God this is actually happening. ]

Fffffuck!

[Jim's voice is wrecked, his lips swollen and red. His normally bright eyes have gone dark with want. When McCoy tries to pull away Jim surges forward as far as his compromised position will let him to crush his mouth against Bones' again, licking desperately at the other's lips in an attempt to gain access.]

Edited 2015-09-05 21:52 (UTC)

[Jim's not exactly entirely clothed, and McCoy can feel bare skin. Christ.]

[Breathing raggedly, he looks at Jim's face. He's wide-eyed himself, confused but simultaneously completely convinced that this is right, that nothing's ever been so right in his stupid goddamn life.]

[Then Jim jerks forward again, and McCoy opens to him immediately, growling under his breath.]

[The hell.]

[This is something Jim knows how to do. He shouldn't. He REALLY shouldn't. He was just arguing all the reasons he shouldn't.]

[But Bones is making those goddamn noises deep in the back of his throat. His mouth tastes like coffee and Jim could get lost in this moment. His free left hand is tangled in Bones' hair, trying to pull them even closer together.]

Edited 2015-09-06 01:07 (UTC)

[god fucking damn it...]

[McCoy wants to spend the next year getting lost in his best friend's mouth, but he pulls back, gasping, then hugs Jim tight with his cheek against Jim's ear.]

[His voice is gravel and honey, arousal and need.] Jim, I...

Shit.

Wow.

[A shaky laugh.] Now d'you believe I want you too?

[The entirety of that sentence would've seemed ludicrous a day ago. If someone'd said to him that he'd be in this position right now, he would've scoffed... and maybe been thoughtful, later, alone, but the point is that he's been blown away by this because he's utterly shit at knowing his own mind.]

Jim... I think we need to talk. 'Cos I'm not sure what kind of position you're in with giving any kind of consent right now to going any further at all, and I think I need to take it slow.

But - but not because I hate you, or think you're unworthy of a schlub like me, okay? You need to trust me on that.

[The keening noise Jim makes is desperate and frustrated. Bones is right. They shouldn't be doing this. But Jim can't just pretend he's not getting hard. His hands are roaming down Bones' back, tugging insistently on clothes.]

You can't just--- dammit Bones! Don't fucking toy with me.

[If they stop to talk the moment is gone, popped like a bubble. Bones will change his mind and Jim will be left alone again.]

Shit. Bones, please--

Edited 2015-09-06 02:53 (UTC)

[Jim's hands are like fire on his skin, and McCoy has to fight a growing tide of arousal to manage to get an arm around him and pull him back towards the couch. He keeps close, keeps as much contact as possible.

Because while it's killing him to not kiss Jim he has a suspicion that physical contact is the only thing keeping Jim in his quarters at all.]

[gruffly] I'm not toying with you.

[He gets them both down on the couch, holding Jim against himself as solidly as he can. If Jim seems to panic, he'll loosen his grip if necessary. But right now he thinks Jim needs it.]

Need to talk to you. Before we do any damn thing. Because this -

This has to be a really big deal, Jim. I don't do casual.

Edited 2015-09-06 03:11 (UTC)

[Jim laughs and it's almost crazy.]

We're not from the same world, Bones. There is literally no way we get a happy ending here. Your Jim isn't going to just let me replace him. There's no place for me here. Today--tonight is all I have. With you. So-- win over your Jim when I'm gone, fine. But please--!

[Jim's fighting back tears and shakes]

Let me be selfish for tonight. And pretend this is gonna be forever.

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