bornsnarky | for smartass

[This is something Jim knows how to do. He shouldn't. He REALLY shouldn't. He was just arguing all the reasons he shouldn't.]

[But Bones is making those goddamn noises deep in the back of his throat. His mouth tastes like coffee and Jim could get lost in this moment. His free left hand is tangled in Bones' hair, trying to pull them even closer together.]

Edited 2015-09-06 01:07 (UTC)

[god fucking damn it...]

[McCoy wants to spend the next year getting lost in his best friend's mouth, but he pulls back, gasping, then hugs Jim tight with his cheek against Jim's ear.]

[His voice is gravel and honey, arousal and need.] Jim, I...

Shit.

Wow.

[A shaky laugh.] Now d'you believe I want you too?

[The entirety of that sentence would've seemed ludicrous a day ago. If someone'd said to him that he'd be in this position right now, he would've scoffed... and maybe been thoughtful, later, alone, but the point is that he's been blown away by this because he's utterly shit at knowing his own mind.]

Jim... I think we need to talk. 'Cos I'm not sure what kind of position you're in with giving any kind of consent right now to going any further at all, and I think I need to take it slow.

But - but not because I hate you, or think you're unworthy of a schlub like me, okay? You need to trust me on that.

[The keening noise Jim makes is desperate and frustrated. Bones is right. They shouldn't be doing this. But Jim can't just pretend he's not getting hard. His hands are roaming down Bones' back, tugging insistently on clothes.]

You can't just--- dammit Bones! Don't fucking toy with me.

[If they stop to talk the moment is gone, popped like a bubble. Bones will change his mind and Jim will be left alone again.]

Shit. Bones, please--

Edited 2015-09-06 02:53 (UTC)

[Jim's hands are like fire on his skin, and McCoy has to fight a growing tide of arousal to manage to get an arm around him and pull him back towards the couch. He keeps close, keeps as much contact as possible.

Because while it's killing him to not kiss Jim he has a suspicion that physical contact is the only thing keeping Jim in his quarters at all.]

[gruffly] I'm not toying with you.

[He gets them both down on the couch, holding Jim against himself as solidly as he can. If Jim seems to panic, he'll loosen his grip if necessary. But right now he thinks Jim needs it.]

Need to talk to you. Before we do any damn thing. Because this -

This has to be a really big deal, Jim. I don't do casual.

Edited 2015-09-06 03:11 (UTC)

[Jim laughs and it's almost crazy.]

We're not from the same world, Bones. There is literally no way we get a happy ending here. Your Jim isn't going to just let me replace him. There's no place for me here. Today--tonight is all I have. With you. So-- win over your Jim when I'm gone, fine. But please--!

[Jim's fighting back tears and shakes]

Let me be selfish for tonight. And pretend this is gonna be forever.

Jim. You need to get past that part. You and I met in a meta place and I hauled you back here with me somehow, while you're still in your goddamn stupid masochistic game of masochism!

None of this is real. Only what we choose.

And if none of it is real, then what we choose is all that matters.

[He turns, slides himself across Jim's lap so he's straddling him, pushing him down against the back of the couch. It shouldn't hurt Jim. He just wants to show with body and words that he fucking means all this. That he's not about to run.]

What I choose is that you and I start something from here. Something fucked up, because you've got your issues and I've got mine, and there's one whopping great issue I haven't even TOLD you about.

Something messy, something awkward and strange, something glorious.

I don't do casual, Jim Kirk, and if you and I do something together then I want - hell, Jim, I want to aim for forever.

[He's shaking. He feels vulnerable and sick to his stomach. Usually Bones is the one decidedly pessimistic about the odds of everything, yet now suddenly he's convinced this is gonna work?]

Jesus, Bones. I've loved you since forever. I got used to pretending I didn't, that everything was okay. I tried to find someone else--anyone else. But I couldn't even pretend. It wasn't the same.

[Yeah, that's entirely right. And McCoy isn't optimistic, hell no, but he's got his surgery mindset on. Things may go wrong. Horribly wrong. But if you don't even try, then you've already failed...]

[McCoy blinks, because he's still getting used to hearing any of this from Jim. But he's not unhappy about it. Far from it.]

[He sits back on Jim's thighs, and runs a rough hand through Jim's hair.]

I had no goddamn idea. Shows how smart I am.

Hell, kid. I'm not promising that it'll be easy. But you and I have been friends for this long already. We've yammered at each other, yelled, screamed, cried on each other when something's gone wrong. We can do arguments, y'know? I'm -

[It's a revelation to realise this is true.]

- I'm not afraid that if you see me at my weakest, or meanest, that you're gonna run. You've seen it all already.

So I want to try. With you. Because you're worth it, whether or not you believe it. You're amazing, kid.

Just...just me? You're okay with this being....

[Jim chokes on his words.]

The weirdest kind on long distance relationship?

[It's not like Jim distrusts Bones, but the doctor had said so himself. The Jim of this world and him were the same. If he agreed to this, would he still be the Jim that got to have this Bones? Our would he just be Another Jim? Convenient, but easily interchangeable.]

Damn straight I am, yeah.

I mean, it's okay if you sleep with other people. You can have that comfort, y'know? And in other realities, if you fall in - in love with someone else, that's okay, too, we can't control everything. Hell, I've been with other people before but not in THIS reality. No one since Jocelyn, in this reality.

But here, you and me?

I want it to be just you and me.

God yes!

[Jim tugged Bones into a tight embrace, clinging desperately to his friend and--God help him, his lover.]

Please, yes. I'll do anything, just.

[Forever? With Jim Kirk? The idea scared him, but this is Bones they were talking about here. He knew Jim's inner demons--most of them anyway-- and still loved him? He felt drunk, melting into McCoy's frame.]

Edited 2015-09-06 04:03 (UTC)

[McCoy yelped as Jim tugged him closer, but he was smiling, too. Jim always felt so good to hug, and now... now he understood just why that was.]

No, fuck, don't do 'anything', just be with me, okay? You don't have to - have to 'deserve' me or any of that bullshit. I'm a sack of shit, Jim. I've got a shuttleload of issues and there're another ten or twenty shuttles behind that one all stacked full of my problems.

[He settled himself a little better on Jim, spreading his weight more evenly, before he even attempted this one.]

[Voice a little hoarse.] I have a daughter, Jim.

Haven't told anyone but you.

I bet she's gorgeous. Just like her father.

[Jim was tired. So tired. He'd been on the verge of passing out before he'd even got here. And now this emotional roller coaster. He doesn't have it in him to be shocked. Besides, it's true.]

You'd make a great Dad.

[If Joce gives him partial custody our visitation. Jim's not touching that tonight. Instead he bumps their foreheads together and sighs. Leans down and kisses Bones again. Slow this time. Gentle.]

[McCoy shakes his head, not disagreeing, just in amazement.] Haven't even met her yet. Jocelyn sent a couple photos, and she's beautiful, but... no idea how this'll work out. How I can be around for her, and not get throttled by Jocelyn, and still be on the Enterprise.

[He has zero intention of leaving the Enterprise. Zero.]

[McCoy sighs, and relaxes into the kiss.]

Mm.

Should get you some sleep, Jim. I imagine you don't really know how long you've got here.

[Jim groans out another needy whine, but it's half hearted at best. He could almost certainly manage sex, but Jim doesn't think it would be all that confidence inspiring if he fainted before, during, or after.]

Only if you come with.

[McCoy snorts, and climbs off him carefully.]

Yeah, yeah, I hear you. I'm not exactly a paragon of endurance myself just now.

Of course. Can't trust you not to set fire to my good sheets if I'm not in 'em with you.

[Once Jim is free to do so he shimmies out of the shorts and shirt Bones had borrowed to him. Bones said he wanted to take things slow, so Jim's keeping the briefs on. ]

[Even the standard issue beds make Jim feel comforted. Like he belongs. It's the first time in a long time Jim's felt like he belonged anywhere. And not just on the ship, in Bones' bed. JIm wastes no time in plastering himself against Bones' side, an arm and a leg thrown over the other as Jim curls up as close as he can get. He's asleep before Bones can even ask him if he's comfortable or needs a blanket.]

[All Bones gets in response is a light snore.]

[McCoy's reasonably certain Jim's lost weight. He still looks good, and he's not emaciated. But it's not... not good. He keeps his own underwear and shorts on, but takes his shirt off. Skin to skin contact should be useful for comfort. For both of 'em.]

[McCoy's fussing a little with the blankets, and the light levels, when he realises Jim's already fast asleep.]

[A soft grin, and gentle fingers through Jim's hair. He tucks the blankets around them both carefully as he can, without disturbing Jim. Then wraps both arms around Jim, and lets himself drift off too.]

[Jim's nightmares are a near constant these days. They're not always the same; some days he's getting attacked by the ice beasts on Delta Vega. Some nights he has to watch Pike die. Pick your trauma--Tarsus, his childhood, everything that happened since Starfleet--Jim's had to relive it in his dreams.]

[Jim can't breathe. He's burning from the inside out, every movement an act of sheer willpower for how much he hurts. Jim knows this dream. Lately it's been his own personal hell to re-live in his sleep. He makes it out of the warp core and to the outer glass safety door. He's dying and he's terrified.]

[The dream is different this time. No one comes. There's no Spock talking him through his final moments. He doesn't even know if he made it in time this go around or if the ship is doomed anyway. When the footsteps approach, it isn't Spock who comes into view.]

[It's Khan.]

[Jim plasters his hands against the door. He knows he can't get out. Knows he's got no strength left.
"Pu...Please. Don't." Despite the difficulty speaking, Jim tries. He feels like he's swallowed glass. He has to stop Khan. The super soldier pulls out a phaser and Jim can only watch as suddenly McCoy is on his knees, head held up by Khan's fist digging deep into the doctor's scalp as he yanks him upright by the hair.]

["It's gonna be okay, kid." Bones tries to smile; they both know it's a lie.
"No, please!" Jim slams his shoulder against the door. It's not enough. He's too weak. The world webs around the edges. "Please...Bones!" Jim has to watch, in those final moments as he fights for life as Khan kills McCoy. He can't see the doctor's corpse lying prone on the floor. Only Khan's victorious sneer.]

NO! NOO!

[Jim's a mess of thrashing limbs and screams. His heart rate is through the roof and he's covered in a slick sweat. Jim's shaking so bad, wracked with sobs and strangled cries.]

[McCoy tends to come awake grumpy but clean, thanks to too many years of being on call. He can do a helluva lot before he's technically conscious. Has basically woken up many times fully dressed halfway to sickbay.]

[So while he freaking hates being woken halfway through what's a surprisingly good sleep, he recognises quickly enough that it's Jim thrashing against him, Jim freaking the hell out, and his heart plummets.]

[He pulls Jim close, but carefully. Jim's sweating, panicking, and... and sobbing something that sounds like his name in there somewhere. Shit. If he's dreaming about being held somewhere, then holding onto him right now is the worst possible choice and he'll have to let him go damn quick.]

[Voice firm and calm as he can make it.] Jim. Hey.

Jim.

[By now Jim is hyperventilating, shaking so badly he's damn near vibrating the bed, and wrecking his vocal cords.]

[He's dying and it hurts so much but suddenly that doesn't matter. He's dying and he couldn't save anyone. Couldn't save Leonard. And the last thing he will ever see is Khan's piercing gaze.]

[Jim comes awake with a strangled shout of such despair and it's Bones's name on his lips. He doesn't know where he is and he's panicking. Fucking great. Having a panic attack in his goddamn sleep.]

Nnnnn! Hnnn!

[He's slick with sweat and he can't. Stop. Shaking.]

[McCoy curses under his breath, and calls the computer to increase illumination by 10%. So Jim can at least see him.]

Breathe with me, Jim. [He speaks firmly, commandingly.] You're safe. Here on the Enterprise with me. No one's hurt, no one's dying.

[He takes slow, patient breaths, holding Jim close.]

You're safe, dammit. I've got you, and I... I love you.

[Jim clings to Bones as though his life depended on it, and it takes several moments before Leonard realizes Jim is crying. He's still shaking but he's at least aware of his surroundings again.}

Bones...Bones.

[He's alive. He's alive and no one's dead or dying. Jim tries to force himself to take slow, deep breaths.]

[The minutes tick by and the panic leaves. In its wake is the self loathing and the shame. It turns his stomach, makes him sick with self hatred. He shakes Bones off of him after a long while and goes into the bathroom to wash his face.]

Fuck.

[Jim clutches his head in his hands and keeps trying to breathe in front of the mirror. That was a bad one. And in front of Leonard.]

[McCoy holds him, strokes his hair, keeps repeating quietly that everything's all right and he's safe.]

[He gives Jim what he judges to be long enough, then pads into the bathroom. He's careful to make enough noise that he shouldn't surprise Jim. He leans on the doorframe. Voice gentle.]

Hey.

You ready to talk about some of the shit you've been through?

Bones. I--

[Jim glares into the mirror. At himself, no one else. He hates this. Hates what this is doing to him. Hates that there's nothing he can do to stop it.]

I'm sorry.

[He knows McCoy feels responsible for Jim's well being since the whole 'being dead' thing. He seriously considers lying. But he can't think of anything else to say. So he settles on a vitriolic confession.]

The...the radiation door. I was there. Khan killed you while I was dying. I failed. Never had that dream like that before. Usually I just die there, alone. Scared.

[He runs his hands through his hair several times. He doesn't want to think about it. Doesn't want to talk about it.]

Anyway. Sorry I woke you up.

[It's no big deal. Jim's learned to deal with it. By keeping himself alone. By sleeping as little as possible. If he wasn't afraid of arousing questions he couldn't answer about why he was on the ship. Jim would just spend the rest of the night in the gym exercising until he passed out.]

Edited 2015-09-08 03:09 (UTC)

for smartass_captain

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