bornsnarky | for smartass

[He's shaking. He feels vulnerable and sick to his stomach. Usually Bones is the one decidedly pessimistic about the odds of everything, yet now suddenly he's convinced this is gonna work?]

Jesus, Bones. I've loved you since forever. I got used to pretending I didn't, that everything was okay. I tried to find someone else--anyone else. But I couldn't even pretend. It wasn't the same.

[Yeah, that's entirely right. And McCoy isn't optimistic, hell no, but he's got his surgery mindset on. Things may go wrong. Horribly wrong. But if you don't even try, then you've already failed...]

[McCoy blinks, because he's still getting used to hearing any of this from Jim. But he's not unhappy about it. Far from it.]

[He sits back on Jim's thighs, and runs a rough hand through Jim's hair.]

I had no goddamn idea. Shows how smart I am.

Hell, kid. I'm not promising that it'll be easy. But you and I have been friends for this long already. We've yammered at each other, yelled, screamed, cried on each other when something's gone wrong. We can do arguments, y'know? I'm -

[It's a revelation to realise this is true.]

- I'm not afraid that if you see me at my weakest, or meanest, that you're gonna run. You've seen it all already.

So I want to try. With you. Because you're worth it, whether or not you believe it. You're amazing, kid.

Just...just me? You're okay with this being....

[Jim chokes on his words.]

The weirdest kind on long distance relationship?

[It's not like Jim distrusts Bones, but the doctor had said so himself. The Jim of this world and him were the same. If he agreed to this, would he still be the Jim that got to have this Bones? Our would he just be Another Jim? Convenient, but easily interchangeable.]

Damn straight I am, yeah.

I mean, it's okay if you sleep with other people. You can have that comfort, y'know? And in other realities, if you fall in - in love with someone else, that's okay, too, we can't control everything. Hell, I've been with other people before but not in THIS reality. No one since Jocelyn, in this reality.

But here, you and me?

I want it to be just you and me.

God yes!

[Jim tugged Bones into a tight embrace, clinging desperately to his friend and--God help him, his lover.]

Please, yes. I'll do anything, just.

[Forever? With Jim Kirk? The idea scared him, but this is Bones they were talking about here. He knew Jim's inner demons--most of them anyway-- and still loved him? He felt drunk, melting into McCoy's frame.]

Edited 2015-09-06 04:03 (UTC)

[McCoy yelped as Jim tugged him closer, but he was smiling, too. Jim always felt so good to hug, and now... now he understood just why that was.]

No, fuck, don't do 'anything', just be with me, okay? You don't have to - have to 'deserve' me or any of that bullshit. I'm a sack of shit, Jim. I've got a shuttleload of issues and there're another ten or twenty shuttles behind that one all stacked full of my problems.

[He settled himself a little better on Jim, spreading his weight more evenly, before he even attempted this one.]

[Voice a little hoarse.] I have a daughter, Jim.

Haven't told anyone but you.

I bet she's gorgeous. Just like her father.

[Jim was tired. So tired. He'd been on the verge of passing out before he'd even got here. And now this emotional roller coaster. He doesn't have it in him to be shocked. Besides, it's true.]

You'd make a great Dad.

[If Joce gives him partial custody our visitation. Jim's not touching that tonight. Instead he bumps their foreheads together and sighs. Leans down and kisses Bones again. Slow this time. Gentle.]

[McCoy shakes his head, not disagreeing, just in amazement.] Haven't even met her yet. Jocelyn sent a couple photos, and she's beautiful, but... no idea how this'll work out. How I can be around for her, and not get throttled by Jocelyn, and still be on the Enterprise.

[He has zero intention of leaving the Enterprise. Zero.]

[McCoy sighs, and relaxes into the kiss.]

Mm.

Should get you some sleep, Jim. I imagine you don't really know how long you've got here.

[Jim groans out another needy whine, but it's half hearted at best. He could almost certainly manage sex, but Jim doesn't think it would be all that confidence inspiring if he fainted before, during, or after.]

Only if you come with.

[McCoy snorts, and climbs off him carefully.]

Yeah, yeah, I hear you. I'm not exactly a paragon of endurance myself just now.

Of course. Can't trust you not to set fire to my good sheets if I'm not in 'em with you.

[Once Jim is free to do so he shimmies out of the shorts and shirt Bones had borrowed to him. Bones said he wanted to take things slow, so Jim's keeping the briefs on. ]

[Even the standard issue beds make Jim feel comforted. Like he belongs. It's the first time in a long time Jim's felt like he belonged anywhere. And not just on the ship, in Bones' bed. JIm wastes no time in plastering himself against Bones' side, an arm and a leg thrown over the other as Jim curls up as close as he can get. He's asleep before Bones can even ask him if he's comfortable or needs a blanket.]

[All Bones gets in response is a light snore.]

[McCoy's reasonably certain Jim's lost weight. He still looks good, and he's not emaciated. But it's not... not good. He keeps his own underwear and shorts on, but takes his shirt off. Skin to skin contact should be useful for comfort. For both of 'em.]

[McCoy's fussing a little with the blankets, and the light levels, when he realises Jim's already fast asleep.]

[A soft grin, and gentle fingers through Jim's hair. He tucks the blankets around them both carefully as he can, without disturbing Jim. Then wraps both arms around Jim, and lets himself drift off too.]

[Jim's nightmares are a near constant these days. They're not always the same; some days he's getting attacked by the ice beasts on Delta Vega. Some nights he has to watch Pike die. Pick your trauma--Tarsus, his childhood, everything that happened since Starfleet--Jim's had to relive it in his dreams.]

[Jim can't breathe. He's burning from the inside out, every movement an act of sheer willpower for how much he hurts. Jim knows this dream. Lately it's been his own personal hell to re-live in his sleep. He makes it out of the warp core and to the outer glass safety door. He's dying and he's terrified.]

[The dream is different this time. No one comes. There's no Spock talking him through his final moments. He doesn't even know if he made it in time this go around or if the ship is doomed anyway. When the footsteps approach, it isn't Spock who comes into view.]

[It's Khan.]

[Jim plasters his hands against the door. He knows he can't get out. Knows he's got no strength left.
"Pu...Please. Don't." Despite the difficulty speaking, Jim tries. He feels like he's swallowed glass. He has to stop Khan. The super soldier pulls out a phaser and Jim can only watch as suddenly McCoy is on his knees, head held up by Khan's fist digging deep into the doctor's scalp as he yanks him upright by the hair.]

["It's gonna be okay, kid." Bones tries to smile; they both know it's a lie.
"No, please!" Jim slams his shoulder against the door. It's not enough. He's too weak. The world webs around the edges. "Please...Bones!" Jim has to watch, in those final moments as he fights for life as Khan kills McCoy. He can't see the doctor's corpse lying prone on the floor. Only Khan's victorious sneer.]

NO! NOO!

[Jim's a mess of thrashing limbs and screams. His heart rate is through the roof and he's covered in a slick sweat. Jim's shaking so bad, wracked with sobs and strangled cries.]

[McCoy tends to come awake grumpy but clean, thanks to too many years of being on call. He can do a helluva lot before he's technically conscious. Has basically woken up many times fully dressed halfway to sickbay.]

[So while he freaking hates being woken halfway through what's a surprisingly good sleep, he recognises quickly enough that it's Jim thrashing against him, Jim freaking the hell out, and his heart plummets.]

[He pulls Jim close, but carefully. Jim's sweating, panicking, and... and sobbing something that sounds like his name in there somewhere. Shit. If he's dreaming about being held somewhere, then holding onto him right now is the worst possible choice and he'll have to let him go damn quick.]

[Voice firm and calm as he can make it.] Jim. Hey.

Jim.

[By now Jim is hyperventilating, shaking so badly he's damn near vibrating the bed, and wrecking his vocal cords.]

[He's dying and it hurts so much but suddenly that doesn't matter. He's dying and he couldn't save anyone. Couldn't save Leonard. And the last thing he will ever see is Khan's piercing gaze.]

[Jim comes awake with a strangled shout of such despair and it's Bones's name on his lips. He doesn't know where he is and he's panicking. Fucking great. Having a panic attack in his goddamn sleep.]

Nnnnn! Hnnn!

[He's slick with sweat and he can't. Stop. Shaking.]

[McCoy curses under his breath, and calls the computer to increase illumination by 10%. So Jim can at least see him.]

Breathe with me, Jim. [He speaks firmly, commandingly.] You're safe. Here on the Enterprise with me. No one's hurt, no one's dying.

[He takes slow, patient breaths, holding Jim close.]

You're safe, dammit. I've got you, and I... I love you.

[Jim clings to Bones as though his life depended on it, and it takes several moments before Leonard realizes Jim is crying. He's still shaking but he's at least aware of his surroundings again.}

Bones...Bones.

[He's alive. He's alive and no one's dead or dying. Jim tries to force himself to take slow, deep breaths.]

[The minutes tick by and the panic leaves. In its wake is the self loathing and the shame. It turns his stomach, makes him sick with self hatred. He shakes Bones off of him after a long while and goes into the bathroom to wash his face.]

Fuck.

[Jim clutches his head in his hands and keeps trying to breathe in front of the mirror. That was a bad one. And in front of Leonard.]

[McCoy holds him, strokes his hair, keeps repeating quietly that everything's all right and he's safe.]

[He gives Jim what he judges to be long enough, then pads into the bathroom. He's careful to make enough noise that he shouldn't surprise Jim. He leans on the doorframe. Voice gentle.]

Hey.

You ready to talk about some of the shit you've been through?

Bones. I--

[Jim glares into the mirror. At himself, no one else. He hates this. Hates what this is doing to him. Hates that there's nothing he can do to stop it.]

I'm sorry.

[He knows McCoy feels responsible for Jim's well being since the whole 'being dead' thing. He seriously considers lying. But he can't think of anything else to say. So he settles on a vitriolic confession.]

The...the radiation door. I was there. Khan killed you while I was dying. I failed. Never had that dream like that before. Usually I just die there, alone. Scared.

[He runs his hands through his hair several times. He doesn't want to think about it. Doesn't want to talk about it.]

Anyway. Sorry I woke you up.

[It's no big deal. Jim's learned to deal with it. By keeping himself alone. By sleeping as little as possible. If he wasn't afraid of arousing questions he couldn't answer about why he was on the ship. Jim would just spend the rest of the night in the gym exercising until he passed out.]

Edited 2015-09-08 03:09 (UTC)

[McCoy harrumphs at the stupidest apology he's ever heard in his life, but he'll leave it at that for now. Of course the kid thinks he needs to apologise. Of course he does.]

[Sigh.]

[He swallows as Jim begins to explain, and listens quietly.]

Shit.

Here.

[He reaches out, grabs one of Jim's wrists, and plants his hand over his own bare chest.] I'm alive, kid. Just a dream. It can't hurt you.

And you're alive, too. You're not dying again until I kill you when you're ninety or so, because you won't fucking stop leaving your socks on the floor insteada in the hamper.

[Jim watches his hand go over Bones's chest, his own expression softening with the heartbeat he can feel underneath his fingers.]

[He's alive. So very much alive. ]

[Jim isn't alone. He isn't dying. And Bones is alive. Jim's blue eyes creep up from that hand to meet McCoy's own.]

Shit, yeah.

[The fear and hatred ebb away with a swell if overpowering need. Jim closes the distance between them and scoops Leonard into his arms, planting his ear against that heartbeat instead. Alive.]

[Alive, goddamn. He comes apart. Jim shifts up and kisses Bones deeply, breathing in the scent of his best friend. His lover. His anchor. Proof they're both still breathing.]

[McCoy's shoulders relax a little as he sees Jim's tension dissipate. Well, it's not gone entirely. There's still a shadow to his eyes, something McCoy needs to get out of him before he gets taken back again. Not because he thinks that Jim telling him will make everything better.... but it has to help, a little, to know that someone else knows.]

[He grins as Jim puts his ear against his chest. Jim's hair is soft, tickles his skin. He brings a hand up to cradle Jim against him.]

...mmmf.

[...maybe getting that other stuff out of him can wait a little. Right now, he's busy stroking gentle hands down over Jim's shoulders, each hand finding a purchase in a different place, as Jim kisses him thoroughly.]

[So Jim can't just disappear into the gym for the next several hours. He can't go to the observation deck and brood in insomniac peace.]

[Maybe he doesn't have to.]

[Jim's hands are running up and down Leonard's arms, before moving to his chest instead. Exploring the broad shoulders, the exposed skin. How Bones could think he was anything other than gorgeous mystifies him. He's perfect.]

[He breaks the kiss finally to come up for air only to latch on to a spot just under McCoy's ear, nipping and sucking a trail of kisses all along his jaw. Those hands have moved south again, resting on Leonard's hips. Jim shifts forward, nudging a thigh in between his legs, growing bolder by the second.]

[No, he can't do that. And he'd better not. McCoy wants him, needs him, right here. For Jim's sake... and for his own.]

[He's gonna be so fucking worried when he has to send Jim back out into the black again.]

[Jim's hands are everywhere, and McCoy'd feel shy about being so thoroughly mapped if he didn't also feel so fucking aroused. It's been a long time for him, but apparently some things still work just the way they used to. There's a gasp when Jim suckles at him, then a groan as McCoy grinds down reflexively against the muscled thigh in between his own.]

[Jim's hard too.]

[McCoy threads hungry fingers through Jim's hair, encouraging his head this way and that.]

Jim... you sure you want this?

[His voice is gravel, roughened by arousal.]

[The groan of what that voice is doing to Jim right now should be all the answer McCoy needs. Should be. But this is Bones and Jim has wanted this for so long.]

[He licks a strip from just under his ear all the way down Leonard's jaw in one swift motion. Pulls away and stares at Bones. Gets a smile that should be illegal.]

[Jim whispers right into his ear, voice breathless.]

I'm sure I want those legendary hands of yours to hold me down and fuck me.

[The chuckle Jim punctuates with is a low rumble, ending in a moan as Bones grinds against him, reveling in much needed friction.]

God. You...you want me to beg? Shit. God damn Bones.

please

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