for smartass_captain

[bornsnarky]

[ooc: happy to change format or anything any time <333]



[McCoy plants a hand in the middle of Jim's back and shoves gently to get him over the damn threshold and into McCoy's quarters. Really. It's like pulling teeth to get certain people to realise they're not a fucking burden and can actually let someone give them a hand for once.]

You've been here before. It's not the ninth circle of hell - well, no more than it usually is. I'll find you some clothes.

You want a shower or anything before we turn in?

Comments

[bornsnarky]

[McCoy curses under his breath, and calls the computer to increase illumination by 10%. So Jim can at least see him.]

Breathe with me, Jim. [He speaks firmly, commandingly.] You're safe. Here on the Enterprise with me. No one's hurt, no one's dying.

[He takes slow, patient breaths, holding Jim close.]

You're safe, dammit. I've got you, and I... I love you.

[smartass_captain]

[Jim clings to Bones as though his life depended on it, and it takes several moments before Leonard realizes Jim is crying. He's still shaking but he's at least aware of his surroundings again.}

Bones...Bones.

[He's alive. He's alive and no one's dead or dying. Jim tries to force himself to take slow, deep breaths.]

[The minutes tick by and the panic leaves. In its wake is the self loathing and the shame. It turns his stomach, makes him sick with self hatred. He shakes Bones off of him after a long while and goes into the bathroom to wash his face.]

Fuck.

[Jim clutches his head in his hands and keeps trying to breathe in front of the mirror. That was a bad one. And in front of Leonard.]

[bornsnarky]

[McCoy holds him, strokes his hair, keeps repeating quietly that everything's all right and he's safe.]

[He gives Jim what he judges to be long enough, then pads into the bathroom. He's careful to make enough noise that he shouldn't surprise Jim. He leans on the doorframe. Voice gentle.]

Hey.

You ready to talk about some of the shit you've been through?

[smartass_captain]

Bones. I--

[Jim glares into the mirror. At himself, no one else. He hates this. Hates what this is doing to him. Hates that there's nothing he can do to stop it.]

I'm sorry.

[He knows McCoy feels responsible for Jim's well being since the whole 'being dead' thing. He seriously considers lying. But he can't think of anything else to say. So he settles on a vitriolic confession.]

The...the radiation door. I was there. Khan killed you while I was dying. I failed. Never had that dream like that before. Usually I just die there, alone. Scared.

[He runs his hands through his hair several times. He doesn't want to think about it. Doesn't want to talk about it.]

Anyway. Sorry I woke you up.

[It's no big deal. Jim's learned to deal with it. By keeping himself alone. By sleeping as little as possible. If he wasn't afraid of arousing questions he couldn't answer about why he was on the ship. Jim would just spend the rest of the night in the gym exercising until he passed out.]

[bornsnarky]

[McCoy harrumphs at the stupidest apology he's ever heard in his life, but he'll leave it at that for now. Of course the kid thinks he needs to apologise. Of course he does.]

[Sigh.]

[He swallows as Jim begins to explain, and listens quietly.]

Shit.

Here.

[He reaches out, grabs one of Jim's wrists, and plants his hand over his own bare chest.] I'm alive, kid. Just a dream. It can't hurt you.

And you're alive, too. You're not dying again until I kill you when you're ninety or so, because you won't fucking stop leaving your socks on the floor insteada in the hamper.

[smartass_captain]

[Jim watches his hand go over Bones's chest, his own expression softening with the heartbeat he can feel underneath his fingers.]

[He's alive. So very much alive. ]

[Jim isn't alone. He isn't dying. And Bones is alive. Jim's blue eyes creep up from that hand to meet McCoy's own.]

Shit, yeah.

[The fear and hatred ebb away with a swell if overpowering need. Jim closes the distance between them and scoops Leonard into his arms, planting his ear against that heartbeat instead. Alive.]

[Alive, goddamn. He comes apart. Jim shifts up and kisses Bones deeply, breathing in the scent of his best friend. His lover. His anchor. Proof they're both still breathing.]

[bornsnarky]

[McCoy's shoulders relax a little as he sees Jim's tension dissipate. Well, it's not gone entirely. There's still a shadow to his eyes, something McCoy needs to get out of him before he gets taken back again. Not because he thinks that Jim telling him will make everything better.... but it has to help, a little, to know that someone else knows.]

[He grins as Jim puts his ear against his chest. Jim's hair is soft, tickles his skin. He brings a hand up to cradle Jim against him.]

...mmmf.

[...maybe getting that other stuff out of him can wait a little. Right now, he's busy stroking gentle hands down over Jim's shoulders, each hand finding a purchase in a different place, as Jim kisses him thoroughly.]

[smartass_captain]

[So Jim can't just disappear into the gym for the next several hours. He can't go to the observation deck and brood in insomniac peace.]

[Maybe he doesn't have to.]

[Jim's hands are running up and down Leonard's arms, before moving to his chest instead. Exploring the broad shoulders, the exposed skin. How Bones could think he was anything other than gorgeous mystifies him. He's perfect.]

[He breaks the kiss finally to come up for air only to latch on to a spot just under McCoy's ear, nipping and sucking a trail of kisses all along his jaw. Those hands have moved south again, resting on Leonard's hips. Jim shifts forward, nudging a thigh in between his legs, growing bolder by the second.]

[bornsnarky]

[No, he can't do that. And he'd better not. McCoy wants him, needs him, right here. For Jim's sake... and for his own.]

[He's gonna be so fucking worried when he has to send Jim back out into the black again.]

[Jim's hands are everywhere, and McCoy'd feel shy about being so thoroughly mapped if he didn't also feel so fucking aroused. It's been a long time for him, but apparently some things still work just the way they used to. There's a gasp when Jim suckles at him, then a groan as McCoy grinds down reflexively against the muscled thigh in between his own.]

[Jim's hard too.]

[McCoy threads hungry fingers through Jim's hair, encouraging his head this way and that.]

Jim... you sure you want this?

[His voice is gravel, roughened by arousal.]

[smartass_captain]

[The groan of what that voice is doing to Jim right now should be all the answer McCoy needs. Should be. But this is Bones and Jim has wanted this for so long.]

[He licks a strip from just under his ear all the way down Leonard's jaw in one swift motion. Pulls away and stares at Bones. Gets a smile that should be illegal.]

[Jim whispers right into his ear, voice breathless.]

I'm sure I want those legendary hands of yours to hold me down and fuck me.

[The chuckle Jim punctuates with is a low rumble, ending in a moan as Bones grinds against him, reveling in much needed friction.]

God. You...you want me to beg? Shit. God damn Bones.

please